I am thankful to say I have never been stuck out in the wilderness, I have never had to build a fire, but after a quick google it goes something as follows:

1. Find small dry materials to use as tinder (things like dried grass, leaves, shredded tree bark)

2. Find dry, medium sized pieces of wood to server as kindling

3. Collection dry, brittle logs in a variety of sizes to act as fuelwood

4. Find the perfect spot to build your fire

5. Create the structure

6. Create the spark to light the fire

7. Manage and maintain that fire

Can you see where I am going with this yet? No I have not in the past year taken up learning survival skills, albeit they are useful. What I have been is in survival mode for going on near two years, maybe longer if I am honest with myself. From neck trauma (ongoing) to weight gain, to detrimental long term impacts on my health from choices I choose to make time and time again.

I think I have been stuck in survival for most of my adult life because of trauma (that is for another post!) And I think because of that I am so immobilised by the fear of failure of making a life long commitment to myself about my health, that I choose everyday to deprioritise my health for my job, my friends, people’s opinions (which I am rapidly learning in my 30s, a vast majority of them are highly insignificant) that I just cannot seem to get my spark!

On the above I have, I feel done steps 1-5. I found my soulmate, I have a small but fiercely loyal, supportive and understanding group of friends, I have settled in my job (almost a decade!) I have bought and created a beautiful home, I have so much more than I could have ever dreamed of, I am so truly thankful for it all. So why do I choose (and it is a choice!) to continue to self sabotage? I am exhausted about thinking about it, I am exhausted I keep doing it to myself, and I am so deeply disappointed, which for someone that proudly, and outwardly strives for perfectionism in so many areas of life, just can’t seem to put all that passion, energy, moving mountains and love in to myself? That that question right there that is my spark. It is small but I intend to use it, iterate it again and again to myself, not why, but HOW can I put that energy, love and passion in to myself?

I do not sit here to promise anonymous (maybe even 0) readers that I will become tomorrow inspirational, fitness mogul who radiates positivity on a daily basis. I do not sit here and promise to blog, post, share every day, but for the next 75 days I choose to invest in myself. 30 isn’t over the hill I am well aware, but everyday that little bit longer to get out of bed, every flu that little bit longer to recover, every meal, that little bit harder to digest, every thought, a little bit more tainted by the disappointment in myself. I feel it now it has to change to allow me to be not a better version of myself, but just the next chapter.

Stay tuned if you are interested in the ponderings of a serial failed dieter, exerciser , of a newlywed, of a woman in business, of a daughter, of a human who is just trying to figure out how to improve her quality of life.